Part 6
Friendship Attempts
Whatever happened, we became friends in those two, three months. A different friendship opportunity whom no one else should have got. But, I failed utilising it properly.
He was so cool in each and every problem, and that maddened me a lot. One among the problem came by the way was ‘Shobha.’ She is my old enemy and was on pregnancy leave for last few months. She came back after two months of his arrival. She didn’t liked watching me sitting in-between them; she checks our private chats and other files in order to find faults in each and every one. She was in the prior position of my hate list. The first one to get caught in her hands was Sam. She started shouting at him, and Sam went nervous and insane on her acts. But Dhyan was cool as he always was been. The thing I didn’t like and surprised me was his ability to support her even though she shouts on him. She was such a creep. I described him about everything she does and everything she planned to restrict me earlier. But he was at her side, opposing me with arguments that supported her. We can’t even argue him about anything; he starts with a philosophy we have ever thought of. One day we were in a discussion with Vipin brother about Kerala and Tamilnadu, and Vipin bro called for Dhyan’s help. He raised up from his seat and walked to ‘Sree’ and started arguing with some philosophy. In a second, he got the reply, not from us but from ‘Shobha.’
“Dhyan! You are disturbing the whole team. This is not the coffee break.” He ran back to the seat with a ‘sorry madam’ murmur. When he came near me, I left my prideful question. “See what happened? Now tell me how good is she.” I laughed like I defeated him. His replies are instant with an expression tied with it. Giving it a different facial tone he spoke silent.
“See how concerned is she about the work. Study something good from her.” When I lost my temper control, he gave a silent laugh.
At those times he lean to my chair side and act like looking at my phone chat. He don’t want to find my chat labels, but he want to do something irritating. He have a half broken phone where he used it secretly. I think there is nothing that confidential about his phone and he is giving it such a posture. He was restless like a baby kid brought away from her mom. Wanted to do something in every second of his crazy time. But I know one thing he doesn’t like me spending time with phone, texting or calling my friends. I simply know it!
He used to tease me with every man related to our office. Our senior programmer Lijo roy sir, our hardware supply representative Sachin sawant, the marketing co-ordinator Sunny David, attender boy upstairs, fair guests on the way and even he used the fair profile of interview attendees to tease me. He tease me until I get irritated dropping worst tolerance. I think he is not interested in me, but he needs me for a time-pass, for entertainment and I’m not ready for that. The question ‘then what else you want’ came by the way, but I ignored it because I haven’t had a proper answer.
“Madam, Yesterday I took your Facebook page and spend some time thinking whether to send you a request or not to. Then I left my shyness and clicked for sending you request.” I was in an unexplainable thrill to hear it from him. He paused.
“You know madam what happened. The whole system get hanged. My Internet balance drown zero. And all my work left pending without internet.” I was thinking what he was supposed to conclude at.
The reason is why because, one day we were teasing him and was explaining his comic image in my hostel. Then he got his turn. “You know madam, yesterday I was also talking about you in my room. We laughed for almost one hour talking about the Salman Khan thing. “
My lips felt afraid to speak out of confusion and mental trauma. After some time gap I just wanted to show him ‘My knowledge in Bollywood movies.’ I walked back to him and explained the less known world with numbers. He was silent hearing all those I was blubbering. But that gave me a bunch of shame.
I find myself interested in purchasing oranges for him every day. I felt confused about everything, whether to give one or two, if I gave him two, what will be Shree’s reaction. Even though I don’t want Shree and Athira know about my not sure crush. I do teased him in front of all others when I walk near them.
I know very well everything he say is a lie. He is such a bad guy (maybe) so that everything coming from him is a lie. He changes his words and never stick to some conclusions. He never felt bad about something and didn’t even gave a sign of getting tensed. He smokes every day and he drinks usually; and he felt no shame in telling us all these. He thinks a lot and believes he know everything. Such a bad one with pride filled all over his body.
One another day he gave me his laptop when I asked him for that. It was fresh without much and more. I think I expected a lot from that. It had some of his photos, some English and Malayalam movies. Nothing more!
One another day, he show me his diary and told ‘I will show you what I have written about you the time I met you.’ “I thought Stella is elder to me. But she was not that old I thought…..” Some three four lines. ‘Am I looking that old was my tension afterwards. The whole diary was written in English and at the last page there was some notes written in his mother tongue. I enquired him about its meaning. He opened his laptop and show me its English version. It was a romantic part of love story in which hero kisses the heroine accepting her love. Explained dramatically wonderful. I don’t know what I was thinking at that second; but I was quiet impressed with him unexplainably. I couldn’t even control my mind during those nights from thinking about him.
Sam got more works assigned from Shobha. Because he was the one who is comparatively better among the newcomers. Then the December came. It was heavily raining every day. Bangalore Rains started. Even though he came from a very long distance, he came every day. I was also interested enough to see him.
Even though I had my boyfriend, and a lot of friends in my chat list, the only thought when I get awake in the morning and at night before I sleep was him. I wanted to get his number somehow. He don’t even use his phone much. He usually tease me for using phone every time. Watching me bored he says. “Go, make a call and come back! Be Energetic…”
An evening, rain was dropping at its best and with full energy restricting us from going back home. The road was waterlogged making it hard for vehicles to pass through. We were waiting for the roaring rain to calm down. I had my umbrella, and was waiting for Sandya akka in the company next floor.
He was there near to me, he asked my umbrella for going ATM and I gave him. While he was leaving I thought about my need for money. I told him about that and he offered me a lift, the moment gave me a sparking joy, but I was afraid of the surrounding situations. So I gave him an alternate plan and requested for collecting my money from ATM too. He was late, he must be smoking in some nearby store. Sandhya akka came ready to leave. I don’t have his no. to call him for my emergency. I wanted his contact but was little shy to ask for. Then I was happy, I got a reason for it. When he came back, I just gave a rude facial tone for getting late.
“Where were you? Why are you doing this to me? Sandhya akka came when you stepped down from here? She was waiting for me. How can I contact you if you do like this? Tell me your no”
Shoba will not be there, maybe most of the staff must be on leave. He will surely come, because I know about his three rules which includes 100% office attendance. Even though it was likewise, he is crazy and unpredictable, so I thought of calling him. Then I called him informing my decision to go office and he attended it awaking from the bed. His reply was little sparking but was usual in other terms. “If you are there; I will come for sure”
Rain was heavy and I somehow managed to go office. Defeating my expectation there was Shoba present before me at the office. Our MD Samuel Sir was afraid for me to come in that heavy rain. He gave me proper instructions to stay back and was arranging facilities to send me back.
Whatever happened, we became friends in those two, three months. A different friendship opportunity whom no one else should have got. But, I failed utilising it properly.
He was so cool in each and every problem, and that maddened me a lot. One among the problem came by the way was ‘Shobha.’ She is my old enemy and was on pregnancy leave for last few months. She came back after two months of his arrival. She didn’t liked watching me sitting in-between them; she checks our private chats and other files in order to find faults in each and every one. She was in the prior position of my hate list. The first one to get caught in her hands was Sam. She started shouting at him, and Sam went nervous and insane on her acts. But Dhyan was cool as he always was been. The thing I didn’t like and surprised me was his ability to support her even though she shouts on him. She was such a creep. I described him about everything she does and everything she planned to restrict me earlier. But he was at her side, opposing me with arguments that supported her. We can’t even argue him about anything; he starts with a philosophy we have ever thought of. One day we were in a discussion with Vipin brother about Kerala and Tamilnadu, and Vipin bro called for Dhyan’s help. He raised up from his seat and walked to ‘Sree’ and started arguing with some philosophy. In a second, he got the reply, not from us but from ‘Shobha.’
“Dhyan! You are disturbing the whole team. This is not the coffee break.” He ran back to the seat with a ‘sorry madam’ murmur. When he came near me, I left my prideful question. “See what happened? Now tell me how good is she.” I laughed like I defeated him. His replies are instant with an expression tied with it. Giving it a different facial tone he spoke silent.
“The fault is with me. She is correct! I shouldn’t have done that!”
“See how concerned is she about the work. Study something good from her.” When I lost my temper control, he gave a silent laugh.
At those times he lean to my chair side and act like looking at my phone chat. He don’t want to find my chat labels, but he want to do something irritating. He have a half broken phone where he used it secretly. I think there is nothing that confidential about his phone and he is giving it such a posture. He was restless like a baby kid brought away from her mom. Wanted to do something in every second of his crazy time. But I know one thing he doesn’t like me spending time with phone, texting or calling my friends. I simply know it!
He used to tease me with every man related to our office. Our senior programmer Lijo roy sir, our hardware supply representative Sachin sawant, the marketing co-ordinator Sunny David, attender boy upstairs, fair guests on the way and even he used the fair profile of interview attendees to tease me. He tease me until I get irritated dropping worst tolerance. I think he is not interested in me, but he needs me for a time-pass, for entertainment and I’m not ready for that. The question ‘then what else you want’ came by the way, but I ignored it because I haven’t had a proper answer.
One of the amazing fact within us was that we were not Facebook friends yet. I don’t wanted to be a Facebook friend with him by sending him a request. Maybe I felt it really shy and my ego didn’t let me do that. One of the usual Monday, while I was opening my Facebook account he told me about the FB request thing.
“Madam, Yesterday I took your Facebook page and spend some time thinking whether to send you a request or not to. Then I left my shyness and clicked for sending you request.” I was in an unexplainable thrill to hear it from him. He paused.
“You know madam what happened. The whole system get hanged. My Internet balance drown zero. And all my work left pending without internet.” I was thinking what he was supposed to conclude at.
“This is why I usually say either your name or thought both are bad signs of danger. Today morning also I lost my sweet sleep after watching your name in the backside of a lorry that was passing at our front side.” He sleeps in the town bus on his way to office. Always sleepy in the desk. Hungry for any food and snacks offered. He was told to be eating food only once in a day. And I was silent without having a proper answer for the Facebook virtue. I do spent a lot of time in his Facebook profile thinking whether to send him a request or not to. I was afraid whether he finds it cheap if I send him one request.
The reason is why because, one day we were teasing him and was explaining his comic image in my hostel. Then he got his turn. “You know madam, yesterday I was also talking about you in my room. We laughed for almost one hour talking about the Salman Khan thing. “
“What Salman khan thing?” I was totally confused about the whole thing. What is he thinking about? His reply merely killed.
“Madam, that day when you look at my system screen and said, ‘Is that Salman Khan? I know him.’” I was dead stunned.
I couldn’t find a reply for him to overlap his score. Shree came for my help then. “Do everyone need to know Salman Khan or what?”
“No. It’s not like that! In my knowledge Salman Khan was been the macho boy of India in which ladies usually get seduced to. And you people don’t even know him. That smelled like a joke for my friends.”
My lips felt afraid to speak out of confusion and mental trauma. After some time gap I just wanted to show him ‘My knowledge in Bollywood movies.’ I walked back to him and explained the less known world with numbers. He was silent hearing all those I was blubbering. But that gave me a bunch of shame.
I find myself interested in purchasing oranges for him every day. I felt confused about everything, whether to give one or two, if I gave him two, what will be Shree’s reaction. Even though I don’t want Shree and Athira know about my not sure crush. I do teased him in front of all others when I walk near them.
I know very well everything he say is a lie. He is such a bad guy (maybe) so that everything coming from him is a lie. He changes his words and never stick to some conclusions. He never felt bad about something and didn’t even gave a sign of getting tensed. He smokes every day and he drinks usually; and he felt no shame in telling us all these. He thinks a lot and believes he know everything. Such a bad one with pride filled all over his body.
One another day he gave me his laptop when I asked him for that. It was fresh without much and more. I think I expected a lot from that. It had some of his photos, some English and Malayalam movies. Nothing more!
One another day, he show me his diary and told ‘I will show you what I have written about you the time I met you.’ “I thought Stella is elder to me. But she was not that old I thought…..” Some three four lines. ‘Am I looking that old was my tension afterwards. The whole diary was written in English and at the last page there was some notes written in his mother tongue. I enquired him about its meaning. He opened his laptop and show me its English version. It was a romantic part of love story in which hero kisses the heroine accepting her love. Explained dramatically wonderful. I don’t know what I was thinking at that second; but I was quiet impressed with him unexplainably. I couldn’t even control my mind during those nights from thinking about him.
Sam got more works assigned from Shobha. Because he was the one who is comparatively better among the newcomers. Then the December came. It was heavily raining every day. Bangalore Rains started. Even though he came from a very long distance, he came every day. I was also interested enough to see him.
Even though I had my boyfriend, and a lot of friends in my chat list, the only thought when I get awake in the morning and at night before I sleep was him. I wanted to get his number somehow. He don’t even use his phone much. He usually tease me for using phone every time. Watching me bored he says. “Go, make a call and come back! Be Energetic…”
An evening, rain was dropping at its best and with full energy restricting us from going back home. The road was waterlogged making it hard for vehicles to pass through. We were waiting for the roaring rain to calm down. I had my umbrella, and was waiting for Sandya akka in the company next floor.
He was there near to me, he asked my umbrella for going ATM and I gave him. While he was leaving I thought about my need for money. I told him about that and he offered me a lift, the moment gave me a sparking joy, but I was afraid of the surrounding situations. So I gave him an alternate plan and requested for collecting my money from ATM too. He was late, he must be smoking in some nearby store. Sandhya akka came ready to leave. I don’t have his no. to call him for my emergency. I wanted his contact but was little shy to ask for. Then I was happy, I got a reason for it. When he came back, I just gave a rude facial tone for getting late.
“Where were you? Why are you doing this to me? Sandhya akka came when you stepped down from here? She was waiting for me. How can I contact you if you do like this? Tell me your no”
He made a foolish glance and gave his no., and that made my little heart laugh for a second. Even after leaving to hostel in heavy rain and flood, I couldn’t restrict myself from calling him. Now I have his no. in my phone. But I was afraid to call him without a proper reason. Next day he told me he reached safe and complained me for not enquiring or calling his that night. The other day it was heavy raining and I had that much of tendency to see him that day.
Shoba will not be there, maybe most of the staff must be on leave. He will surely come, because I know about his three rules which includes 100% office attendance. Even though it was likewise, he is crazy and unpredictable, so I thought of calling him. Then I called him informing my decision to go office and he attended it awaking from the bed. His reply was little sparking but was usual in other terms. “If you are there; I will come for sure”
Rain was heavy and I somehow managed to go office. Defeating my expectation there was Shoba present before me at the office. Our MD Samuel Sir was afraid for me to come in that heavy rain. He gave me proper instructions to stay back and was arranging facilities to send me back.
He came then. The office was shut down due to loss of power in the city. He was surprised when he saw Shoba unexpectedly. Then he blame me in front of Shoba for calling him from bed to office. That was intolerable. Shoba must have thought badly about me then. How can he say that? I replied him after a minute. “I didn’t ask you to come office. I just told you I’m coming.”
Then he became calm and went out answering the call came by the correct timing. He was carried upstairs with the phone and I was more eagerly waiting to know whether it’s a girl or a boy he is speaking to. I expect it can be his sister, and I dare not to ask him. Samuel Sir arranged the Office vehicle for me to drop me at my hostel some 800 meters away. On the way I gave him a silent bye and went off. It was very hard the way back to hostel, he came at the top most portion, of the stairs to send me off.
I reached the hostel safe. I was in such a hard feeling whether to call him, asking for his status with the rain. After a fight with the egoist myself, I called him and it was not reaching him. But he attended the call once in the afternoon and the call wasn’t clear due to whether issues; lasted seconds and got off. When the rain became unstoppable, with the help of rescue team, I reached back home. My mind was thinking all about him back home. Usually I try to divert his thought chatting with Peter and other friends. But this time, I couldn’t do that at home. Gradually I believe his thought came lighter and lighter. And I took a week continuous leave.
Part 7
Life in Bangalore
First day at office was about surprises! It was a long route to office where our office was placed in the first floor giving ground floor space for Café Coffee Day. I remember my love for coffees, it’s not only about me, but my family loved it and their day starts with a black coffee. I know, now I have to control myself from all these. I have limited money, narrow surroundings and a lot of habits to quit and change.
When I came in the office at 10 there was Sam waiting for me in the conference room. Reshma madam took two of their employees to train us. Stella and Jeena! After the first glance finding my trainers before, my mind lost up in somewhere. This is one of my major problem. Simply explained to say ‘loss of concentration,’ medically termed as ‘Analysis Paralysis’ or can simply transformed as ‘Overthinking.’
I got placed in between Rachel and Stella as a trial and was supposed to make a sample algorithm with the limits and dimensions provided. Being placed in there; slipped again searching for her face at my memory data books. I did what I was instructed to but left uncomplete and mistake filled when asked to submit. At the time of submission I got it.
The face I’m searching for. The girl at the PUB Restaurant, the girl I’m supposed to romance is here sitting next to me. I can’t even believe the coincidence. No one should have got this much dramatic fortuity for a start. That moment was the delusion of happiness, un-expectable virtue of unknown joy. I just submit whatever the foolish chart I have done and went out for some fresh air to breathe. I left for the nearby store and lighted up a cigarette. And I was thinking what to do next.
In the afternoon session I sat with ‘Sam’ and was instructed to check the successful projects they have done before. I was all examining the world around. What they are doing, their characters, their habits, their likes and dislikes were my main subjects under observation. I was planning to make a new myself before them. A new myself who is comical, noiseless and emotional. Thought about some type of my opposite but ended up becoming jovial, comical and garrulous.
I did the whole office thing for getting out of overthinking, but now office made me think about a lot more stuff on myself. That day itself they understood I’m their bad selection, and gave me some part of a waste upcoming project, Stella was working on with. She became my trainer on this particular project. Again the marvellous play of destiny.
I stayed in a well good area apartment with my cousin and his friends! Farhan who is porch fancied kid and a Muslim inbox thinker was my full time roomie. Ammus(real name unknown) was another friend who live in a virtual world with the help of magical herb was like a paying guest in that room, he comes occasionally and hate going colleges.
The room side atmosphere wasn’t supportive at first, their came a lot of girls with sound and disturbance. Their friends, friends of friends and their friends. Some came with the smoke, some with the sound and some with disturbance. I was planning for setting a favourable background.
Gradually in some time, I learned how to say no to smoke, and avoided girls by complaining nuisance to the owner. The care-taker old lady their remind you of famous witch character ‘Dakini’ in Malayalam comics and she was a great company with a lot of stories around. She had an imaginative character (she can only see him) in her stories who died of heart attack last year in our apartment, who comes with a dog alongside. Her husband was a drunkard, and his favourite hobby was beating her every night after drinking. He was a comedy figure, bald head and screeching sound, came up with his heroic rowdy stories. It was fun hearing and sometimes disgusting, especially during every opening of the month while he comes for collecting rent.
Then I thought of engaging with something or making the time for working with something that could change myself. Thought about working with art and crafts at first, my major childhood hobby. But it was little shy to work on small art and craft work, staying in designers room. Superiority complex in my soul will never allow me in working with comparatively low works that could be reviewed by designer minds.
[To Be Continued.....]
So I thought of writing something that is beneficial for my blog and my later on performance. But it was a very long route and schedule for everyday, which made me tired every end of the day. I have to wake up at seven every day and get ready before eight. After ten minute walk I will get a side seat in the town bus starting from nearby bus stand. It almost takes seventy five minutes to reach the other end of the city where my office is been situated. I could reach before office time this way. We had only morning sessions with ‘timing ten to seven.’ Half hour break in the afternoon is allotted for lunch and fifteen minutes break is allotted for tea in the evening. It was really challenging for me to sit in a chair without any like source for distraction all these hours. It was really difficult for someone who hates it that way.
I was thinking about the college days and exam hours I skipped only because of that lack in patience. Those exams I left only because I hate sitting inside for three hours watching a group of people keeping silence.
After leaving room, Sam was my only company. That doesn’t mean he is the only one I know in Bangalore, I have friends and cousins in there. But I want myself caged inside in a new world, so that I could evolve into a new man; or towards the older myself. Sam is elder to me like seven or eight years. After completing his degree in visual communication, he went for masters in London. Higher studies in London may create prejudices in his standards, but he was not that well as we expect hearing London. He was not that talented, but energetic and workable when it comes to work. He love movies. Whole famous, new, language clarified movies. And that was the first subject we talked about. He was upsettingly caring in each and everything and that was the only thing that I couldn’t adjust in him.
He had a Brahmin lineage with pure vegetarian eating styles and neat and clean dressing styles. Even though he is vegetarian by birth he eats anything that is well cooked and delicious. Usually, we have our lunch from a nearby bakery and was limited to a tea and samosa every day. At first I felt like he is adjusting for me. Sometimes when I felt worse hunger, I had a bad feeling about that either. He usually pay for the expenses there and as a formality I do pay sometimes. I have lost that gentle way of behaviour spending last four years in hell with no formalities shown anywhere; in the middle of people likewise. Maybe I should change that. I have blocked all outside source of income that possibly disturb me from my mission. I haven’t have enough money for a month in my terms.
I was determined to come office earlier and leave office late, but his terms didn’t adjust with that. He wanted to leave early with me, so that he can drop me somewhere on the way and as always my character don’t like opposing surroundings. Even though I wanted to avoid coffees and night rides he gave me a chance for that. So I felt my plans and decisions becoming inoperable, because of him. So before starting again I should avoid this problem. One way to avoid him was making a fight and the other was taking him out from this company. Even though making a fight in-between was the simplest, I choose for second, because the first could bring me later consequences. So I started intentional attack for taking him out from the company.
The habit of being Chaivinist (tea addict) from college days was a real problem and that didn’t left me in Chennai. My cousin in there was a tea addict either. He was my hero from childhood where talking to him was always been equal to reading some hundred books. He was fair looking, humorous, talkative and was talented in dance, drawing, magic etc. He was my only best friend from childhood and before the time of college days we were well connected to each other. After the starting of college life, I got busy with my things and he got busy when he gone for college. He had an interesting schedule connecting to a lot of people every day, visiting three tea shops, gym, apartments, friends etc. He had his girlfriend from a Christian family and he only gets some hours’ time to visit me, mostly on Sundays. I’m sure about my decision not to call him for silly needs disturbing him from his deeds. He introduced me some of his favourite T-shops nearby. The one nearer shop had its owner from ‘Kannur’ was staying in our neighbouring apartment. I made an account there for tea within days and became friends with them. But my cousin payed for the T-account and room rent in terms with my dad. During weekend offs, he arranged me programs within his tight schedule like, Kalakendra visit, going for movies, drinks and fun.
Being inside the office was colourless and terrible when it comes to concentration and work. I need an extra source of diversion that can possibly make me busy with something else to persist inside the office. And the answer was ‘Stella.’ I was also thinking about how to go on with the coincidental start. Finally I concluded at impressing her and letting her fall for me. Those days the over smart performance from my side went on like rain. Within the week I got disappointed with the calculated report on her.
She is a usual fancy girl, dependent on network chats and trends. She is someone equal to those heroines of my friend’s small love stories. Stories that starts and grow in social media, ends up in bed. Maybe she haven’t been before a good stalker before. In fact she is not that well good enough for a good stalker. I always had sympathy for these ladies before. She wasn’t that interesting and was like any other girl who utilises her gender speciality for the glow. She was a non-stop phone addict who believed in the virtual world of friends and relations. She had all those little emotions that vanished from myself and that was the only thing that envied me. She was bounded with all egoist, lifeless problems that made her tensed every day. I don’t need to impress her, just attracting her was enough.
Even though she was that usual girl or the typical Indian girlfriend, she was my only way for a stand. I’m dependent on her totally for my survival. I couldn’t control my tongue from blabbering foolish ideas and themes that made me this way. I kept talking with her every now and then disturbing her in her works and I didn’t felt ashamed for that. She was my only friend in the office where I can vomit all rubbishes that’s happening every day. It was interesting to calculate her interest in me while months passed by.
In the mean time I got the chance to avoid Sam from office, not only because he disturbs my plans for change, but also my plan for her. I had another good plan for his better future and started for a try on the same.
Making her fall for me became a challenge, when my plan for myself included minimised calls and ban on social media. She should have been very easy with proper calls and WhatsApp (texting application) usage. So I made a plan for her to attract me exposing my ideas on love, social media and relations on air. It wasn’t a success exposing them with her and I know that. She is a pursuer of trends. I know! Whatever, Finally I decided to impress her being myself.
After three months, many things in office changed. I was in such an attraction with him; an attraction that left me his fan. Sam left office tired of Shobha giving pressure, Vipin bro left office with two years’ experience certificate. And there came new people in our desk. He was the same happy man as always stealing away my mind.
First day at office was about surprises! It was a long route to office where our office was placed in the first floor giving ground floor space for Café Coffee Day. I remember my love for coffees, it’s not only about me, but my family loved it and their day starts with a black coffee. I know, now I have to control myself from all these. I have limited money, narrow surroundings and a lot of habits to quit and change.
When I came in the office at 10 there was Sam waiting for me in the conference room. Reshma madam took two of their employees to train us. Stella and Jeena! After the first glance finding my trainers before, my mind lost up in somewhere. This is one of my major problem. Simply explained to say ‘loss of concentration,’ medically termed as ‘Analysis Paralysis’ or can simply transformed as ‘Overthinking.’
‘I know this girl Stella. I have seen her somewhere.’ Then I got interrupted by Sam.
“Hi; Sam.” He show his hand and talked in slow voice. Maybe respectable for the desk before.
“Hi; Dhyan.” I replied. “You are joining today. Is it?”
He shook his head and listened to Reshma when she started with something else. Stella left and Jeena stayed and I came back to the normal atmosphere. Jeena explained us how to make algorithms, and its benefits and need. We have to make algorithms as its first step of training. We were supposed to make one sample, after the training session got done. There were more ladies in the cabin. Rachel, Leena Dominic, Athira at the animations desk and Vipin at the entrance.
I got placed in between Rachel and Stella as a trial and was supposed to make a sample algorithm with the limits and dimensions provided. Being placed in there; slipped again searching for her face at my memory data books. I did what I was instructed to but left uncomplete and mistake filled when asked to submit. At the time of submission I got it.
The face I’m searching for. The girl at the PUB Restaurant, the girl I’m supposed to romance is here sitting next to me. I can’t even believe the coincidence. No one should have got this much dramatic fortuity for a start. That moment was the delusion of happiness, un-expectable virtue of unknown joy. I just submit whatever the foolish chart I have done and went out for some fresh air to breathe. I left for the nearby store and lighted up a cigarette. And I was thinking what to do next.
‘I should take a selfie and send it to him, it will surely blow his head off. There my friends will get surprised like never before.’
In the afternoon session I sat with ‘Sam’ and was instructed to check the successful projects they have done before. I was all examining the world around. What they are doing, their characters, their habits, their likes and dislikes were my main subjects under observation. I was planning to make a new myself before them. A new myself who is comical, noiseless and emotional. Thought about some type of my opposite but ended up becoming jovial, comical and garrulous.
I did the whole office thing for getting out of overthinking, but now office made me think about a lot more stuff on myself. That day itself they understood I’m their bad selection, and gave me some part of a waste upcoming project, Stella was working on with. She became my trainer on this particular project. Again the marvellous play of destiny.
I stayed in a well good area apartment with my cousin and his friends! Farhan who is porch fancied kid and a Muslim inbox thinker was my full time roomie. Ammus(real name unknown) was another friend who live in a virtual world with the help of magical herb was like a paying guest in that room, he comes occasionally and hate going colleges.
The room side atmosphere wasn’t supportive at first, their came a lot of girls with sound and disturbance. Their friends, friends of friends and their friends. Some came with the smoke, some with the sound and some with disturbance. I was planning for setting a favourable background.
Gradually in some time, I learned how to say no to smoke, and avoided girls by complaining nuisance to the owner. The care-taker old lady their remind you of famous witch character ‘Dakini’ in Malayalam comics and she was a great company with a lot of stories around. She had an imaginative character (she can only see him) in her stories who died of heart attack last year in our apartment, who comes with a dog alongside. Her husband was a drunkard, and his favourite hobby was beating her every night after drinking. He was a comedy figure, bald head and screeching sound, came up with his heroic rowdy stories. It was fun hearing and sometimes disgusting, especially during every opening of the month while he comes for collecting rent.
Then I thought of engaging with something or making the time for working with something that could change myself. Thought about working with art and crafts at first, my major childhood hobby. But it was little shy to work on small art and craft work, staying in designers room. Superiority complex in my soul will never allow me in working with comparatively low works that could be reviewed by designer minds.
So I thought of writing something that is beneficial for my blog and my later on performance. But it was a very long route and schedule for everyday, which made me tired every end of the day. I have to wake up at seven every day and get ready before eight. After ten minute walk I will get a side seat in the town bus starting from nearby bus stand. It almost takes seventy five minutes to reach the other end of the city where my office is been situated. I could reach before office time this way. We had only morning sessions with ‘timing ten to seven.’ Half hour break in the afternoon is allotted for lunch and fifteen minutes break is allotted for tea in the evening. It was really challenging for me to sit in a chair without any like source for distraction all these hours. It was really difficult for someone who hates it that way.
I was thinking about the college days and exam hours I skipped only because of that lack in patience. Those exams I left only because I hate sitting inside for three hours watching a group of people keeping silence.
After leaving room, Sam was my only company. That doesn’t mean he is the only one I know in Bangalore, I have friends and cousins in there. But I want myself caged inside in a new world, so that I could evolve into a new man; or towards the older myself. Sam is elder to me like seven or eight years. After completing his degree in visual communication, he went for masters in London. Higher studies in London may create prejudices in his standards, but he was not that well as we expect hearing London. He was not that talented, but energetic and workable when it comes to work. He love movies. Whole famous, new, language clarified movies. And that was the first subject we talked about. He was upsettingly caring in each and everything and that was the only thing that I couldn’t adjust in him.
He had a Brahmin lineage with pure vegetarian eating styles and neat and clean dressing styles. Even though he is vegetarian by birth he eats anything that is well cooked and delicious. Usually, we have our lunch from a nearby bakery and was limited to a tea and samosa every day. At first I felt like he is adjusting for me. Sometimes when I felt worse hunger, I had a bad feeling about that either. He usually pay for the expenses there and as a formality I do pay sometimes. I have lost that gentle way of behaviour spending last four years in hell with no formalities shown anywhere; in the middle of people likewise. Maybe I should change that. I have blocked all outside source of income that possibly disturb me from my mission. I haven’t have enough money for a month in my terms.
Sam took me to the Café Coffee Day where I don’t wanted to go for coffee anymore. He took me to restaurants and movie theatres for food and movie. He dropped me some ten kilometres everyday spending time for me. He took me to his house, where his old parents lived after retirement. Once I called him to my apartment for a drink in his account, and I foreboded he could be a gay. But after that day I know he is not that one but maybe he is in need of a friend, maybe he must not have many friends because of his conservative character. I know he is too good for me to accept him. I will tell you how he became a disturbance for my mission.
I was determined to come office earlier and leave office late, but his terms didn’t adjust with that. He wanted to leave early with me, so that he can drop me somewhere on the way and as always my character don’t like opposing surroundings. Even though I wanted to avoid coffees and night rides he gave me a chance for that. So I felt my plans and decisions becoming inoperable, because of him. So before starting again I should avoid this problem. One way to avoid him was making a fight and the other was taking him out from this company. Even though making a fight in-between was the simplest, I choose for second, because the first could bring me later consequences. So I started intentional attack for taking him out from the company.
The habit of being Chaivinist (tea addict) from college days was a real problem and that didn’t left me in Chennai. My cousin in there was a tea addict either. He was my hero from childhood where talking to him was always been equal to reading some hundred books. He was fair looking, humorous, talkative and was talented in dance, drawing, magic etc. He was my only best friend from childhood and before the time of college days we were well connected to each other. After the starting of college life, I got busy with my things and he got busy when he gone for college. He had an interesting schedule connecting to a lot of people every day, visiting three tea shops, gym, apartments, friends etc. He had his girlfriend from a Christian family and he only gets some hours’ time to visit me, mostly on Sundays. I’m sure about my decision not to call him for silly needs disturbing him from his deeds. He introduced me some of his favourite T-shops nearby. The one nearer shop had its owner from ‘Kannur’ was staying in our neighbouring apartment. I made an account there for tea within days and became friends with them. But my cousin payed for the T-account and room rent in terms with my dad. During weekend offs, he arranged me programs within his tight schedule like, Kalakendra visit, going for movies, drinks and fun.
Being inside the office was colourless and terrible when it comes to concentration and work. I need an extra source of diversion that can possibly make me busy with something else to persist inside the office. And the answer was ‘Stella.’ I was also thinking about how to go on with the coincidental start. Finally I concluded at impressing her and letting her fall for me. Those days the over smart performance from my side went on like rain. Within the week I got disappointed with the calculated report on her.
She is a usual fancy girl, dependent on network chats and trends. She is someone equal to those heroines of my friend’s small love stories. Stories that starts and grow in social media, ends up in bed. Maybe she haven’t been before a good stalker before. In fact she is not that well good enough for a good stalker. I always had sympathy for these ladies before. She wasn’t that interesting and was like any other girl who utilises her gender speciality for the glow. She was a non-stop phone addict who believed in the virtual world of friends and relations. She had all those little emotions that vanished from myself and that was the only thing that envied me. She was bounded with all egoist, lifeless problems that made her tensed every day. I don’t need to impress her, just attracting her was enough.
Even though she was that usual girl or the typical Indian girlfriend, she was my only way for a stand. I’m dependent on her totally for my survival. I couldn’t control my tongue from blabbering foolish ideas and themes that made me this way. I kept talking with her every now and then disturbing her in her works and I didn’t felt ashamed for that. She was my only friend in the office where I can vomit all rubbishes that’s happening every day. It was interesting to calculate her interest in me while months passed by.
In the mean time I got the chance to avoid Sam from office, not only because he disturbs my plans for change, but also my plan for her. I had another good plan for his better future and started for a try on the same.
Making her fall for me became a challenge, when my plan for myself included minimised calls and ban on social media. She should have been very easy with proper calls and WhatsApp (texting application) usage. So I made a plan for her to attract me exposing my ideas on love, social media and relations on air. It wasn’t a success exposing them with her and I know that. She is a pursuer of trends. I know! Whatever, Finally I decided to impress her being myself.
One day he came and told me he is going to quit the other day. I was tensed enough how to say no to him. I get tensed without any reason and somehow explained him my pain, without leaving my pride. He was my way of relaxing in joy, my strength and my prudent advisor in problems I deal with. But the first week of New-year he came back to office normally and told me about his change in place from the far area place to nearer one. Then I understood one thing that, he is going to be with me for more. He started staying in Ashwin’s room who is in the content team upstairs. I know them occasionally; they comment me when I roam here and there in their office, and during the tea breaks.
After the rainy week we started chatting in WhatsApp, nothing more, because his words were limiting me from the flow. So they were minimal conversations that ended without proper full stop. I feel it really bad when he calls me for something from the company phone and end it without a casual question. I wanted to express him my bad feeling on that somehow, and I think I did it without a proper script.
Ashwin and Charles are two guys from the content team upstairs. They are typical guys like my friends and they are good friends with Shree. I do talk with them when they make comments on me. After he started staying with them, it marked the start of every painful moments. That day we were chatting downstairs with the teammates. Teammates includes Shree, Dhyan, Charles and Ashwin. Charles were talking about some office related issues regarding friendly atmosphere and relations in office. He always kept silent when we all came together for a chat. When the chats approached its end, Charles throw out a question.
“Who is the most handsome guy in our office?” I didn’t mean anything but answer came normally as to tease Dhyan. “Dhyan! Who else? He is the only one.”
He show some shyness in his expressions and left. I know he wasn’t shy but he does these things occasionally. I kept thinking about his reaction for this whole night. I couldn’t control myself from thinking about it. Next day he was cool as usual and I had that determination to get in a strong type of relation with him. He is younger to me and that was the only thing I believed to restrict myself from getting more touched with him.
During the T-break that day, while returning from upstairs they were teasing each other shouting ‘handsome’ among themselves. That just upstretched my temperature up within seconds. In a minute I was waiting at the stairs with Shree discussing the matter and Dhyan came down by the way. Words came out from the fuming mind.
“What did you tell them?” He came near to me in the narrow stairs and said.
“Come down; I will explain.” I wasn’t in a mood to hear what he is about to start. He is a clever fraud and a liar. He must be explaining a fake story. I know he is good with stories. The issue was fuming inside me creating a load full of questions. I know him. He must be telling them every stories that is happening downstairs. Like that day he explained the ‘Salman Khan’ thing to his friends, everyone must be laughing on things that he explains it very humiliatingly. Shree have already warned me regarding this before.
When I came down to my seat, he turned to me for a start. But I was single-minded not to hear his fake story. I just said. “Shut your mouth and do your work; I don’t want to hear you.”
He turned to his desk and didn’t even looked back on me. He is like that unlike all others. If I reject something he will not turn back to that again. I remember, one day he told me about that.
[“I’m bad enough for a boyfriend. I don’t have that curiosity, in which most boyfriends keep for going on with their relation. If my GF say I have a problem and make a tight atmosphere showing like she don’t want to share it, then I don’t know how to show the curiosity for solving her problem. Secondly I don’t know how to create silly problems that can help in strengthening a relation; I only know how to avoid problems. Third is absence of basic facilities. I don’t have a good phone and frequent social media connection. I don’t know how to ride a bike...”]
I forget to tell you about my brother’s friend who came for an internship programme in our office. He is my friend so because my brother was. I got the responsibility to train him for completing his internship so because I came this company likewise.
In five minutes, I felt it really disturbed without his irritating voice. Both of us were silent looking on to our works even though we haven’t had enough works to complete. So I went near my new trainee, the new entrant, my bothers friend guy on the opposite side cabin. Without a question he told me “Those guys were teasing him handsome and he was getting teased.” ‘Ohh! I mistake him. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m not going to tell him ‘I’m sorry.’ He already have enough false-pride within.’
I just lean up towards his cabin and peeped through the cabin space with a smile. He made a serious glimpse and that turned itself into a smirk. Two minutes later everything went back normal.
I left my phone at the desk many times, believing he would somehow pickup my phone and check my photos. So I maintained a collection of my good pics in my gallery. I’m not sure but I think he didn’t even tried unlocking my phone himself. Sometimes he ask my phone for taking selfies. Even though he knows my password pattern, he haven’t even tried opening it himself before me. Maybe he is fooling me, or maybe he is good.
Even though the ‘handsome issue’ ended, I was determined not to tell him anything regarding our issues, problems and such personal things. He didn’t even asked for anything and didn’t compelled me to say something. But I had that tendency to share many things with him and I’m supposed to control that thought.
One other thing I saw in him was that, he always supported my love and commented about my BF while teasing me. The one who talk with a girl with the intension of impressing her will never mention the presence of her BF. That is how I started feeling he don’t see me as a girl to love. Maybe he consider me as a friend. No! I’m just a time pass for him. Not even a friend! He is well standard and modern with his thoughts. He likes girls in snazzy outfits, short hair and boy costumes. He is interested in girls with sexy appearance and brave character.
He was good. But he didn’t had that curiosity to take care of me. Unlike anyone else, he was been a hero, a very different person. He was been an opportunity for me, that any other girl shouldn’t have got. But the weirdest thing was that confusion he creates and the vanity he lives in. How can I love someone whom I can’t even understand? I have asked him this famous question several times.
“Neenga Nallavana Kettavana?” (Are you a good person or bad?) In many famous Tamil movies someone asks hero the same question. Once he smiled and replied.
“I don’t know, but I’m trying to let no one else figure that out.”
Everything started the other day. I found out who he is and how terrible he can be. Ashwin, the guy from the upstairs’ office was upset from my thoughtless action and that was little irritating the whole day. We got salary that day and we were together with lots of fun and happy moments till the last moments of working time. At 8:00 pm I got a call from him. I was happy that he is calling me and picked up the call with sudden bliss.
His voice was soft and inaudible like never before. “Hi madam”
I replied with my style “Sollpaa”
“Please hear me patiently. Please don’t attend any call that comes from any unknown number or from ….” That sudden bliss exchanged to vexed mind that interfered him before he could finish.
“What happened? Why are you giving my number to someone else?” I couldn’t control that second. “Please madam! I can explain later.” The call went disconnected.
I fell into a pool of disturbing thoughts where I couldn’t find any answers. Is he good? Is he bad? What did he do? Why can’t he call me back and tell me what is happening? Maybe Ashwin can be the reason; he already had some problems with me, or maybe some other issues. I tried calling him back again and again, he rejected my call creating more pressurised situation.
After an hour he called me back again and said. “These people are with me and we are drunk. I told you all these to avoid you from a long-lasting problem.” I couldn’t figure out anything. What the rubbish he is talking about. So I interfered.
“What is the problem? I don’t know anything. Why should they call me?” When I asked him more, he quit the conversation with the final dialogue. “Believe me, I will explain everything later.” My condition grow up hot, hotter, hottest; red, redder, reddest. I tried calling Shree, and some of my other friends, just to relax from all these disturbing incidents.
The next day he came office, we didn’t talk each other. I couldn’t remember all those incidents and bad memories much. Next day he told me about what had happened. He feared the other guys may call me and make problems after getting drunk. So he tried to let me avoid that problem. I didn’t understand the logic in calling me. I felt it bad about these issues and blocked conversing with him. He tried calling me during night but I don’t want to discuss this thing again and again and avoided his calls. Then Shree, my best friend in office discussed the whole issue with those guys upstairs and told me there no such thing happened. That was an awesome twist. Maybe he wanted me to stop talking with guys upstairs. That is the only possibility this situation could take me on to. Shree confirmed that possibility.
The other day, after the lunch time I noticed him sitting silent like never before, and I thought he was still in that hangover created from my silence yesterday. I thought of ending it and I loved accepting his possessiveness. That night, I tried calling him back. He had his dad’s birthday the other day and was packing back home. He attended the call. I asked the reason for silence and at first he said to leave that subject. When I started again and again for the reason behind his silence he blasted from his slow voice.
“You should understand one thing. I’m coming from a very peaceful surrounding and I can’t handle problems anymore. I don’t want to drop myself into problems again by starting talking with you. You people enjoy these silly problems and I don’t know how to enjoy them. I want to smile and enjoy whole life.”
I didn’t get anything from his speech. What did I do for listening to this long speech? His voice raised its volume in every second of its time. I interrupted.
“Wait! Wait! What are you talking about? Do you want to make me fear, raising your sound? Why are you talking this much? I didn’t get a single word from what you have been saying.”
He gave me enough time to talk. When I paused he started again. “You told them everything I said. I meant to help you and I got enough for that. They were red on me today evening. You helped me a lot and thank you for your help. I have to live here with them. You got it?”
I got it now. What should I say? Okay let me explain him. “It was not me, but Shree told them everything. I don’t chat with them. I have only the ones in our programming team in my friends list. What can I do if Shree tells them likewise? Please understand what happened.”
When I explained his reply was more aggressive. “You or your friend; whatever happened, I just get into the problem. I don’t know how to look back into their faces. I’m going home. I can’t stay in negativity. Please don’t disturb me when I’m back home.”
I don’t know how to explain him convincingly. But I tried to. “Please understand. Please don’t feel bad on me.”
“I will go and be in positivity or sometime. There is no problem with anything. We will finish all doubts after coming back office.” He disconnected.
Those three days he left me in confusion appeared like three months of struggle. Even though I decided not to think about it; he came to my mind frequently and disturbed me in whole. Peter smelled something bad and was in a decision to left for Bangalore. He got a good opportunity for shifting to Singapore. Every minute became confusing and disturbing with his dialogues and I explained everything to Shree as she was my only friend who could understand my situation. I anticipated Monday, for his reaction.
From all those things Shree explained, I could finalise one thing, he is the master for making all others fight. He wanted me, not to talk with the guys upstairs and he was trying to make fight between us. He lives in vanity and always had that pity smile for others. He consider me as a foolish usual girl and he mentions it often. I hate it! His venomous tongue is the root cause of all problems. The real game player. I blocked him in WhatsApp and decided not to be that friendly again.
These thoughts disturbed me a lot while working with each and everything. Shree asked them about whether they said something harsh to him, and their reply was no. Maybe he loves me, and acted little possessive creating a lie story. He is all happy every day and why should I feel this tensed. I don’t have a problem with him and I don’t want to continue with one like he said. ‘Leave it Stella. Why are you stressing over the same thing. Let this continue carefully like nothing happened.’ He wanted it to continue like that and let it go easy.
Finally, after those stressed days came Monday. He is coming back from home. I was waiting for him, awaiting his reaction. He didn’t came. I just became more tensed and checked whether other guys came or not. ‘They all came. He is missing. Whether he left back in home leaving Bangalore? No! I know him. He is not that silly. He must be late. What if he left … ‘ Silence started eating me.
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